Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What If… Episode One: Knock Off Christian Video Games

I may star a What If… series here on Rememorandom.  If so, don’t count on it being frequent.  Who knows, I may just have good intentions but decide not to do many, or any, more.  We’ll see.  Here’s episode one.


My friend Alex and I have talked about this on more than one occasion.  What if there was a Christian version of popular video games?  What would the ideal Christian RPG look like?  What about a fighting game?  Side-scrollers?  First person shooters?  The possibilities are endless.

1.  World of Christian Warcraft, Final Fantasy Biblical Edition, Daniel in the Dungeons & Dragons Den, etc.

The Christian RPG would be loaded with classical Bible characters.  The main party would be led by the Apostle Paul, a simple tentmaker with a dark and bloody past.  His sidekick, the short, musically talented David, would be armed with his harp and sling.  Together, they would set off in a world corrupt and brewing with literal evil, battling their way through the realms to bring down the Dark Lord.  Oh no, a random encounter!

*Paul & David vs. 3 Lesser Maniacs of the Gadarenes

Paul, equipped with White Garb (HP +50, Holiness +3) and a steel tent-peg (Damage 47, Weight +12).  David wears Saul’s Armor (HP +15, Speed –7) and has his sling (Damage 30-100, Weight +2) and arsenal of stones with various magic effects.

The Maniacs pool their attacks together and create a Legion.  Looks like the battle will be fierce, but in the end, the trusty team surely will win.  I mean, they have plenty of Lazarus Downs to use in case things get dire.

Who else will they meet along the way?  Surely Moses would have a staff…

2.  Kristian Kombat

KK is exactly what it sounds like it is.  A knock-off of the immortal Mortal Kombat, KK would pit fights to the death between Bible characters and other holy men & women of the past.  Just imagine the possibilities.

Cain vs. Abel, King Saul vs. Saul of Tarsus, Kiriath-jearim vs. John the Baptist, and so many more!  Characters a-plenty.  Button-mashing galore.

Then, at the end of each fight, there would be the “finishing moves,” too.

Peter with his ear-cutting sword.  Samson with his “Imma tear your arms off cause I’m so strong” fatality.  The centurion’s Crucifixion.  Jezebel’s deadly kiss.

3.  Psalm Hero or Psalm Band

This one definitely would be a powerhouse seller.  All 150 Psalms, put to the tunes of popular music, from Big Band era to neo-classical-prog-rock-alt-folk-yodeling.  Everything you could ever imagine rolled up and packaged into a pretty sick deal.

Instead of the typical guitar and drum controllers, the players would get to play with things like the psaltery, trumpet, and 35-button-giant-harp.  Can’t you picture the strolling music bars, prompting you to think ahead and press the buttons at the right time, missing a key button and screwing up your x7 (cause this is Biblical, so all multipliers are x7) combo, getting angry at yourself while the screen blares “Rejoice in the Lord…”?

Oh, such fun.  Psalm 119 would last 20 minutes.  It’d definitely have to be to the tune of “Freebird.”

There you have it.  Three small glimpses at what Christian knock-off video games would look like.  And if that’s not enough to get the hard conservative legalists riled up, then I’m also going to recommend (and embed) this video.  It’s hilarious.  The whole points not to make fun of Christ, but to make a point that Christ isn’t concerned with the trivial things we are.  Instead of WWJD, it’s WWJND.  Watch it.  Laugh at the funny sayings.  It’s long, but it’s very worth it.  Video #2 (@1:42) is great and Video #3 (@3:19) is priceless.

The obligatory ending question: What type of Christian Knock-Off video games did I leave off?  Have I offended you?


Krista said...

I don't really play video games, except mario on 64, so this post to me was like reading Chinese. lol!

The video was pretty funny and totally goofy, though.

P.S. Rented Where The Wild Things Are from redbox yesterday and I'm so glad I only wasted $1! I didn't even finish it I just couldn't get into it. I don't know, maybe if it was animation instead it would have worked out better for me...

Also rented UP and that one I loved! I'm gonna have to buy that one for my lil' one she loved it, too! :)

Crystal said...

I've seen the "Jesus" videos from Vintage 21 before. I laughed just as hard watching them again as I did the first time.

No offense taken here...

logankstewart said...

@Krista: Mario 64 is one classic game. I was a bit mixed on Where the Wild Things Are. The movie was sad and heavy, I remember that, but I did like the art/design. Up, on the other hand, was fantastic.

@Crystal: Yeah, I laughed after watching it again before I posted it today. Pretty funny and accurate stuff.

Phillus said...

lol...the sad thing is, there is a 'christian' version of Guitar Hero, it's called 'Praise Guitar'.

I personally hate Christians and/or churches who do knock offs of real life events or concerts. Be original, realize that there isn't a divide between what is secular and what is 'christian'.

Daniel Brewer said...

Hahahaha, I saw a while back where a Left Behind game was made, it was apparently similar to Team Fortress 2, except it had more classes and they had more unique effects.

The problem was, in the Campaign, the objective was to shoot people who weren't Christians. You didn't have to shoot them though, you had the option to save them. If they just wouldn't get saved, you'd just have to shoot them anyway.

Needless to say, it got a lot of negative attention from all sides.

logankstewart said...

@Phillus: Praise Guitar, eh? Hmm. Interesting... Yeah, I'm not a fan of the classic Christian knock-off thing, whether it's on a tee-shirt or in a video game or something else. Thanks for stopping by the blog!

@Daniel: I remember reading about the Left Behind game. It came under some pretty heavy fire, if I remember correctly. I'm not sure why? I mean, a campaign to shoot people that weren't Christians. Isn't that commanded in the Torah or something? ;)

Thanks for stopping by the blog.