Monday, May 10, 2010

A Poem from a Bad Day

It’s strange, writing a post in advance like this.  But it’s something I wanna do.  I’ve missed too many posts recently anyway.  So do I write in the present, as if I’m writing this from Monday, 5/10?  Or do I write in the future tense?  Gragh!

Since I’m currently away on vacation, island hopping and stuffing my face without shame, I thought I should kick the week off with a poem.  I wrote this after a rather disagreeable few days between myself and my lovely, amazing wife.  I find poetry sometimes is the only way to express myself.

“bad day”

you know it's a bad day when you stare at the computer screen for ten minutes
and life slows to a cringing halt.
you hear the noises of the airconditioner,
muffled by your silent headphones,
unable to turn on music cause you can't find anything to fit the mood.
when you check your phone every few minutes,
hoping for a text back,
hoping that somehow you're forgiven for being stupid and insensitive.
when you can only scratch your head and wonder why.
why say it?  why act the way you do?
but you don't understand, cause you don't realize it at the time.
in the afterwards,
while you're blanking out at the screen,
you hear yourself in your mind,
replaying the conversation,
and it does sound rude.
so what if you were just trying to help.
use more tact next time.
when it's two days before your anniversary
and you're sick at your stomach cause you can't help but feel confused
when you're too afraid to call,
scared that your voice might fail you,
scared that your tones might be too harsh,
scared that your sarcastic tongue rebels against you again.
instead you wait for a text,
a few words on a small screen,
powerful enough to transform your day into something better than what it's been.
all the while you slowly sink into someone unrecognizable,
someone different than who you normally are,
someone burdened and full of self-loathing.
you want to somehow express yourself,
release the toxic energy within,
but you can't.  you don't know how.
you bottle it and drink it down,
suffocating and choking on it.
and you pray.  and wait.


Amanda said...

I hope you both are having an amazing time at the moment! :)

And I really enjoyed this poem; thanks for sharing it. I totally understand what you mean and I can't even count the times I've had these feelings before. Sometimes I feel alone in those frustrations, because a lot of people paint marriage to look so perfect. So when those bad days do come along, it's so easy to feel failure, to beat yourself up over what you should/shouldn't have said, etc. So it makes me feel better to read something like this :)

logankstewart said...

@Amanda: Thanks, noble. Thank you very much. Take care.