Thursday, January 06, 2011

Where I'm At

I feel like my life is at the confluence of a great and mighty river.  Ahead I see the waters flowing off as one single stream, fuller now than ever before.  Behind me there are many waterways, some stretching beyond the horizon, others springing out the ground.  Sometimes I am floating in these streams, meandering and twisting with no particular care or aim.  Other times I'm aboard a vessel and taking charge of my course.  And then there are times when I'm struggling to stay afloat, fighting with every last breath to rise above the rapids and gasp down air.

The past is an interesting thing.  Dwell on it too long and you find yourself waxing nostalgic, wishing for the impossible, and mostly disappointed.  That's the thing about the past: it's full of disappointments.  A favorite sports team losing a pivotal game.  An automobile accident that cost hundreds of dollars.  A friend letting you down.  But mostly I think we're disappointed in ourselves.

As we age, we hopefully grow wiser.  This isn't always the case, and too often we're forsaking the safety of the ship for a leisurely swim in the treacherous currents.  Sometimes we can get sucked under and end up lost at sea and away from the ship.  For me, my past seems to be a constant teeter-totter of on-board/at-sea, one minute helmsman, the next a piece of jetsam

I've always held fast to optimism, and I still do.  I'm a strong believer that thinking positively drastically affects one's well-being and global view.  Of course, thinking positively can only go so far, but still, it's a better position than being a constant pessimist.  This type of thinking helps no one.

A cynic may suggest that pessimism is a more realistic view of life, and that may be true, but I don't think so.  Life is a matter of subjectivity, and it's only as good (or bad) as we make it.  I'm comfortably and optimist and a realist.  I'm 20% laid off, but I'm confident that God will take care of me and mine.  I struggle with knowing whether or not I should keep my job, cause late paychecks and uncertainty is stressful.  I have financial worries--mortgage, student loans, and general debt--but God will work in this, too.  I love my house but want to sell it to save money.  My health insurance has a $7000 deductible and Keisha's pregnant.  I'm expecting my first child, and I could despair at thinking How could I bring a child into this world?, but I leap at the excitement of becoming a dad.  I have daddy issues a-plenty and the relationship with my father pains me to no ends, often sending me into a dark place whenever I even think about him, so I long to be the best dad I can be to my child.  I am now teaching (as of December 26) my Sunday School class, and this somewhat terrifies me, but at the same time forces me to grow and step up.

Honestly, somewhere along the way these past few months my mind has slowly switched to a more Jesus-shaped view.  I've found myself wanting to read and study the bible.  I've grown to love Christian non-fiction.  The other day I found myself thanking God for my blood type (I'm O-Neg, so I can give to all people), and this realization struck me as profound.  In all I do I am seeking to glorify God and to act as Jesus would.  Do I succeed?  Heck no, but I'm trying.

So where am I at in life?  I'm at a place where the future is opened up before me, filled with possibilities and excitement.  I have no idea what it looks like.  Sometimes the weight of it all is threatening to drown me, but then I remember that I'm on the ship and in no danger.  The future is bright, the water is clear, and grace abounds.

Bits & Pieces
  • We're starting back up the worship service at the Pitino Shelter.  We took a little break (a few months, actually), and hopefully the cold weather will have more people in attendance.  
  • We've been selling things on ebay to make some extra cash.  We've got rid of a lot of textbooks, the PS2, and some N64 games.  Still more to go.
  • I would give my left arm to pre-order Dead Space 2 and buy it on January 25.  The first game was my favorite FPS of all time, and probably my second favorite PS3 game I've played.  (Reviewed here.)
  • Anybody play Rook?  
  • Anybody wanna surprise me and buy me a copy of Dead Space 2?  You'll have my eternal gratitude.
  • The MENSA desk calendar William got me for Christmas has proven quite fun this new year.
  • Dave is risen and blogging again!  Go. There. Now.  (What, Dave? Even after my eulogy for you? So if you die again, do I have to do another one?  Grr... Is there a book on blogging etiquette?)
  • Seriously.  Dead Space 2.  Anybody?


David Wagner said...

I don't think pessimism is more realistic. However, over the long term, a pessimist can definitely erode the optimist of an optimist! Ask me how I know this...

More things we have in common! Teaching Sunday school, daddy issues (providing deep motivation for wanting to be the best dad to our own kids) and being O-negative.

As far as my blog, I don't know. Like Brett Favre, I guess. When I said I was done, I meant it. But here we are, 5 months later, and it's there again. Not sure what's going on. One thing I do know - there won't be any more "farewell" posts... I did appreciate your eulogy post.


Bill said...

Hang in there, Logan! We've got you and the fam in our prayers

logankstewart said...

@Dave: Hmm. Well, you're spot on I'd say, but no pessimist is gonna take my optimism away dang it!

@Bill: Thanks, prayers are always appreciated.

Anonymous said...

both my father and my father-in-law had issues with their fathers and they grew up to be excellent fathers to their children, great relationships with their sons in particular. they were conscious of their desire for change and worked at it; i think the optimism will work well for you here.

so many worries, but I am glad you have just as many assurances. a lot of changes in the offing, but it sounds like there are some wonderful ones...good luck with Dead Space 2.


logankstewart said...

@L: Thanks for the positive stories. There's no doubt that I'll strive to be the best dad I can be. No doubt about it.

Paula Titus said...

Great stuff. Thanks for sharing.

logankstewart said...

@Paula: Thank you.