The past is an interesting thing. Dwell on it too long and you find yourself waxing nostalgic, wishing for the impossible, and mostly disappointed. That's the thing about the past: it's full of disappointments. A favorite sports team losing a pivotal game. An automobile accident that cost hundreds of dollars. A friend letting you down. But mostly I think we're disappointed in ourselves.
As we age, we hopefully grow wiser. This isn't always the case, and too often we're forsaking the safety of the ship for a leisurely swim in the treacherous currents. Sometimes we can get sucked under and end up lost at sea and away from the ship. For me, my past seems to be a constant teeter-totter of on-board/at-sea, one minute helmsman, the next a piece of jetsam.
I've always held fast to optimism, and I still do. I'm a strong believer that thinking positively drastically affects one's well-being and global view. Of course, thinking positively can only go so far, but still, it's a better position than being a constant pessimist. This type of thinking helps no one.
A cynic may suggest that pessimism is a more realistic view of life, and that may be true, but I don't think so. Life is a matter of subjectivity, and it's only as good (or bad) as we make it. I'm comfortably and optimist and a realist. I'm 20% laid off, but I'm confident that God will take care of me and mine. I struggle with knowing whether or not I should keep my job, cause late paychecks and uncertainty is stressful. I have financial worries--mortgage, student loans, and general debt--but God will work in this, too. I love my house but want to sell it to save money. My health insurance has a $7000 deductible and Keisha's pregnant. I'm expecting my first child, and I could despair at thinking How could I bring a child into this world?, but I leap at the excitement of becoming a dad. I have daddy issues a-plenty and the relationship with my father pains me to no ends, often sending me into a dark place whenever I even think about him, so I long to be the best dad I can be to my child. I am now teaching (as of December 26) my Sunday School class, and this somewhat terrifies me, but at the same time forces me to grow and step up.
Honestly, somewhere along the way these past few months my mind has slowly switched to a more Jesus-shaped view. I've found myself wanting to read and study the bible. I've grown to love Christian non-fiction. The other day I found myself thanking God for my blood type (I'm O-Neg, so I can give to all people), and this realization struck me as profound. In all I do I am seeking to glorify God and to act as Jesus would. Do I succeed? Heck no, but I'm trying.
So where am I at in life? I'm at a place where the future is opened up before me, filled with possibilities and excitement. I have no idea what it looks like. Sometimes the weight of it all is threatening to drown me, but then I remember that I'm on the ship and in no danger. The future is bright, the water is clear, and grace abounds.
Bits & Pieces
- We're starting back up the worship service at the Pitino Shelter. We took a little break (a few months, actually), and hopefully the cold weather will have more people in attendance.
- We've been selling things on ebay to make some extra cash. We've got rid of a lot of textbooks, the PS2, and some N64 games. Still more to go.
- I would give my left arm to pre-order Dead Space 2 and buy it on January 25. The first game was my favorite FPS of all time, and probably my second favorite PS3 game I've played. (Reviewed here.)
- Anybody play Rook?
- Anybody wanna surprise me and buy me a copy of Dead Space 2? You'll have my eternal gratitude.
- The MENSA desk calendar William got me for Christmas has proven quite fun this new year.
- Dave is risen and blogging again! Go. There. Now. (What, Dave? Even after my eulogy for you? So if you die again, do I have to do another one? Grr... Is there a book on blogging etiquette?)
- Seriously. Dead Space 2. Anybody?