Herein being the first of a five-part tale of original flash fiction.
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Coty Hopson hadn’t meant to kill himself when he stepped through the door and into the tiny shop on the corner of Fate & 15th. One minute he was walking along, listening to some Crows on his ipod, not paying much attention to anything but the way the music sounded and what Adam Duritz was singing about. He heard an explosion and the next thing he knew, he was in a room--place? box? void?--completely saturated in darkness, unable to see anything.
At first he thought he’d gone blind. He’d had an aneurysm like his Uncle Trent and survived but was without sight. The longer he thought about it, the more it didn’t make sense. He could see tiny bursts of light out the corners of his eyes, and sometimes he thought he saw shadows moving in the dark. If he were blind, he doubted this would be the case.
He supposed, in retrospect, that had he realized the shadows were really moving that things might have turned out differently, probably not, but maybe, but that was moot now. He could still feel them ripping him to pieces, tearing his body apart day after day, and he guessed it would continue on for all of eternity, but for the life of him he couldn’t understand why.
5 comments:
Heh, love the pun in that last line. I love it when writers spin cliches into puns. Good work!
The first sentence in the final paragraph needs some tweaking, I think. It reads a bit awkwardly, and took me backtracking twice to finally "get it".
Then again, perhaps it's fine, and I'm a nitwit!
@Jay: Glad to know it didn't go unnoticed. It gave me a chuckle writing it.
@Dave: Yeah, that sentence bugged me, too, but I'm not sure what to do with it. I kind of want the story to blend stream-of-conscious with normal prose to create a somewhat confusing affect, and it does this, but then again, I want it to be understood, too. It probably should be two sentences instead of one long one... Thanks for the comment!
In restrospect, he supposed that had he realized the shadows were really moving, things might have turned out differently--doubtfully, but maybe--yet that was moot now. ? that last bit is tricky.
I like your long twisty sentences, but Dave was right. awkwardness has an unsettling effect, but sometimes a short sentence amidst the longer will unsettle as well.
you have a way of setting a tone quickly.
with Jay, i did appreciate that last bit of the last line.. had me smiling.
~L
@L: Agreed. And since its flash fic, I don't need extra wordage. Truthfully, "that was moot now" could be inferred from what's already been said, so perhaps an omission is best here...
Good. Tone is one of the most important things I go for in writing, so thank you.
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