Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Simple Pleasures of a Peanut Butter Sandwich

Do you stop and think how tasty and smooth/crunchy the peanut butter sandwich is? A perfect PB sandwich is one of the best edible creations mankind has ever came up with. When George Washington Carver set out and made peanut butter did he realize how important his creation would be? The paradigm of sandwiches, from the young to the old?

There are some heretics out there that taint their PB sandwich with that blasphemous substance known as jelly. Yuck. A loud, resonating YUCK echoing around in some hollow walls. Jelly is all good and fine, provided you use it to put on toast or biscuits or some bread. Now when you go and grab some jelly and smear it on a piece of bread that is destined to connect with another piece of bread that has PB on it you've committed a huge sin. Drop to your knees and beg forgiveness, because PB&J are not meant to be.

But everybody else eats a PB&J sandwich, so why can't I? You may be wondering that very thing, but fear not, good people, I've an answer to your query. Because it is written in the Peanut Butter Bible, divined by GWC himself, found in the first (and only) book in the aforementioned Bible, Rules, which states explicitly in chapter 42, verses 197-198:

"197And never shall the creation come in contact with anything foul and inherently full of sin, namely animal fluids and jellies. Above all, never let the creation mix and mingle with jellies. Doritos are okay.
198The creation should always be kept pure and true, varying either in complete smoothness or crunchy, depending on the mood and personal preference, but this preference must not allow jellies to join in the party on the sandwich, or you shall surely die."

See folks, I'm not making this stuff up. How could I? I am a good and faithful servant of eating a pure PB sandwich, and I love 'em. Two slices whole wheat, edges still on, a heaping portion of crunchy peanut butter on each slice, smoothed out, and smashed together. You don't see the word jelly in there. No thank you. I'll stay away from that stuff, and you should too. Think about it next time your making a PB sandwich and are reaching for the J. Do you really need that jelly, or is it just society influencing your choices?

{[Two important notes: (1) If you don't like peanut butter then that's all good and fine. So be it. Whatever. I don't care. It don't hurt my feelings that you don't like it. That also means you don't like PB&J, so we're on the same page there. (2) If you're allergic to nuts then my hat's off to you, unless your name happens to be Sean, and then you've got no excuse.]}


marky said...

I’ve had the same argument with Shona. She loves her PB, but hates PB&J. I, on the other hand enjoy PB&J...with normal butter on the sandwich too, for extra chances of a heart attack!

I also eat haggis with whiskey in it, so I don't think I've the best pallet in the world!

The worst thing I've ever tasted is Gordon Ramsey's salted fudge. Honestly, you should direct your anger at people who put salt in things like fudge, and not at the elite who understand the sweet taste of strawberry jam over peanut loveliness.

You have issues. ;-)

Krista said...

I, too, enjoy PB&J and Strawberry Jam is my favorite! However, I like to have a peanut butter and Jett Puffed Marshmallow Creme sandwich, oh the wonderful marshmallow goodness!

logankstewart said...

@Marky: Sounds like you got yourself a perfect lady, Marky, with her thinking PB + J = *blah. Haggis, on the other hand, is something I'd like to try, though I'm not sure whether or not I'd like it.

@Krista: Yuck and uhm, yuck. But, I imagine PB&MMC is like peanut butter fudge candies, only not in a little dense cube.